Fanfiction I need help with

I posted this on OI, but I have no idea what to actually call the title...

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Dunno how many of you know this, but I actually have a Neopets fanfiction in the works. I'll get to the details later, but it's all coming along nicely.

Have some concept art (as depicted by my best friend)! I'll explain it all later.

Why am I doing this? I dunno, I guess I just wanted help thinking of stuff, so I'm turning to you guys, I guess.

Also, those who don't help me constructivly (I.e, post things like "LULZ NEOPETZ SUX") will be Shoop'd and Woop'd.

Thank you! Anyway:

http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/8...breakeruo1.png
-First picture is of the main character...a red Shoyru named Vajra (the pictures have no color...yet). What's that sword he's got, you ask? Simple-he and his three friends each have a sacred sword that cannot harm those with good hearts, but devistates those with evil hearts. Vajra's sword, named Villianbreaker, is the most powerful. Against TRULY evil beings, it utterly destroys their body, mind, and soul with a beam of light (alongside Vajra jumping high into the air and screaming "VILLIANBREAKER!"), effectively making it a finishing blow for dark beings. It normally has no elemental powers, but because of the immense destruction it deals to dark and evil characters, it's got Light/Holy powers.

http://img184.imageshack.us/img184/9282/tremblesg2.png
-Now, don't get your hopes up for seeing the main villian yet, since...this isn't him. This IS, however, one of his two highest-ranking minions. Meet Tremble, a hulking mass of demonic flesh and muscle. He and his partner/best friend have a pun in their names-see if you can guess it! By the way, look at the blunt side of Tremble's warhammer...see that odd symbol? That's the villian's trademark symbol/mark/crest...if this were a movie, you'd see it a lot!

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/2234/basstionns5.png
-You'd think that the villian, knowing how powerful Tremble is physically, would back his strength up with more strong minions. This, however, is not the case. No, Tremble's partner-in-crime is another demon...much frailer, but much more magically adept. I am, of course, talking about Basstion, a demon with a penchant for all things mystic and magic. Inspired by Trickmaster from the Kingdom Hearts series, Basstion can cast devistating spells that could wipe out a metropolis-size city, while Tremble can't even launch a single fireball from his chubby fingers (which, considering they're demons, and thus supernatural creatures, is quite odd). If you haven't guessed the puns in either minion's name, you'll most certainly understand them once you see the villian.

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/3...aliblurxu8.png
-Before Vajra and his friends even start their adventure, they are humans attending a party on the beach...on Earth, of course (Planet Neopia is actually in the Milky Way galaxy in the fanfiction, but hasn't been spotted by astronomers for...unknown reasons.) Anyway, the first friend to be reunited with Vajra (who originally is named "Andrew"...which is MY real name!) is Kiki, a yellow Acara who can command the power of electricity. Though she herself (who as a human was known as Ashley) has not been drawn yet, her sword definitely is! This jagged blade is Excaliblur, a sword that allows Kiki to move at lightning-fast speeds (get it? Excalibur, but with an extra "L" to make "blur"? Oh, I'm SOOOOO funny >_>)

http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/6...duellerkn9.png
-Just like Kiki, the green Aisha Lerioi (pronounced "leer-ee-oh-ee", and human-named Sara) has not been drawn yet, but her sword has. Whereas Excaliblur is a electrical blade, Lerioi wields Dual Dueller, an icy sword with a split blade to match her extra set of antennea-like ears. As might be expected from someone weilding an ice sword, Lerioi can use it to freeze monsters and enemies in place, then take a good swing at them with the actual blade.

http://img529.imageshack.us/img529/9...zebladeyy1.png
-No, the blue Scorchio Draco (human-name Joshua) has not yet been drawn. Yes, his fiery sword Blaze Blade HAS been drawn, as seen here. Not only can it give enemies the proverbial hot foot (LULZ), but it amplifies Draco's firebreath to intense levels of heat and pain!

Now, I'll bet that ever since I posted Tremble's picture, you've been DYING to know who the main villian is (that is, if you're still willing to help me! >_>). But before I show the picture, I want those of you who think it's the nefarious Dr. Sloth (the evil scientist from the official Neopets site) to know this...he IS in the fanfiction, but...he's not the main villian! This guy is:

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/6498/malestro.png

It's Malestro! He's a demon lord with an affinity for music-based attacks (NOW do you get the puns in Tremble and Basstion's names? If not, post here, and I'll tell you all). Quite possibly the evilest character for ANYthing I've ever thought up...he...

*scribblescribblescribble*

...and that's just ONE reason Malestro is easily hateable!

Continuing...

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Tiffany
Mario has Princess Peach. Sonic the Hedgehog has Amy Rose. Homestar Runner has Marzipan. If you've already noticed that in all of these examples that the second name is the female love interest of the male first name, it should be no surprise that Tiffany is Vajra's girlfriend. However, she's easily distinguished from the hero by four things:
First off, while Vajra has red scales and skin, Tiffany has a bright sky-blue body.

Second, her eyelashes are larger and more promenent. Not by TOO much, however, just enough to let others know she's female.

Third, she wears a generic pink hairbow on the horn on her head.

Finally, whereas Vajra is sixteen (16) years old, Tiffany is only thirteen (13).

Like Sonic and Amy, Vajra DOES love Tiffany, who shows him much gratitude for helping her out with some school bullies from when they first met...which is actually quite surprising, considering it was on Earth and not Neopia (why she's on Earth, you'll have to wait and see)! Sometimes, though, he feels too busy for her, just like how Sonic thinks that Amy gets in his way of doing his own thing. UNLIKE the hedgehog duo, however, it's not shown as a one-way relationship over half the time, and the two of them spend quite a bit of time together.
Because Tiffany is not one of the Chosen Four, she has no sword, and thus no powers...at least, no elemental powers. She DOES have a special ability, but it's more passive and she can't control it: If you've ever played Dragon Quest 8 for the Playstation 2, you'll know that the third main character, named Jessica, has a skill set known as "Sex Appeal", based entirely on her curvacious and beautiful body. While Tiffany has no apparent...yeah...she's so cute and innocent-looking (and actually, she ACTS naive and innocent half the time!) that some of Malestro's cronies (NOT Tremble and Basstion) can't help but turn their heads. Tiffany calls this her "Charm", and can walk up to baddies and force them to pay attention and gawk at her. However, as previously mentioned, and unlike DQ8's Jessica, the blue Shoyru girl cannot control how much Charm she radiates.

and the last part:

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Have four moar pictures, with another two minor character bios still left to do...

http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/797...ngfortress.png

-Malestro's Fortress! Those music-note shaped objects are actually airships, patrolling the skies around his massive castle (this is also the one picture I did NOT crop at all).

http://img9.imageshack.us/img9/2887/kikis.png
-Friend's interpretation of Kiki. A little lopsided on the proportions, but otherwise decent, wouldn't you think?

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/9124/lerioi.png
-Friend's interpretation of Lerioi. If you've looked at an average Aisha, you'll notice their collar has a golden "A" for a tag. Obviously, Lerioi's is an "L" however.

http://img9.imageshack.us/img9/462/tiffanyu.jpg
-Finally, though drawn with a slightly larger head (maybe she's supposed to be chibified?) than I was hoping for, we have Tiffany's picture.

PLEASE, COMMENT! I NEED HELP WITH THIS!

...please?

Okay, while I appreciate the amount of thought you put into this, it would seem that there are a couple of things that could be big obstacles later on to the development of your story.

For instance: Villainbreaker (or Villianbreaker? I'm not sure if the misspelling is intentional or not) seems maybe a bit like a Deux Ex Machina? Whenever Vajra sees someone evil, VILLAINBREAKER, whoops, enemy's body, mind and soul are dead, no need for a fight, no need for teammates, you see? I think there should be some kind of drawback to the power, otherwise battles could get repetitive fast. Also, most people don't fall under the "truly good" or the "truly evil" category. What does it do to those in the gray area?

I also appreciate the amount of detail that went into the minions. While they're not the prettiest things (of course, you meant it that way anyway), you put lots of detail and little things, and unlike me you're not afraid to put lots of wrinkles and marks and ornaments around, which gives the two minions each a very distinctive personality. I also think that they seem to be the most suited to being something of a concept art. I wouldn't change a thing in the proportions or concept of each, and even their expressions seem right. While they're just sketches, I can close my eyes and imagine them outlined and coloured in, and could see the designs.

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Originally Posted by ImmunityBow

For instance: Villainbreaker (or (1) Villianbreaker? I'm not sure if the misspelling is intentional or not) seems maybe a bit like a Deux Ex Machina? (2) Whenever Vajra sees someone evil, VILLAINBREAKER, whoops, enemy's body, mind and soul are dead, no need for a fight, no need for teammates, you see? I think there should be some kind of drawback to the power, otherwise battles could get repetitive fast. (3) Also, most people don't fall under the "truly good" or the "truly evil" category. What does it do to those in the gray area?

1. Google spells "the v word" with an "ai" so I assumed it was spelled that way.
2. Don't worry, it's not like a one-sided fight. Vajra has to weaken the enemy's body first, which often is well-guarded or has some other nonapparent weak point. If the enemy starts to glow and freezes up, then he can use the ray of light that destroys them.
3. I'm glad you asked about that! On truly good and "average" good beings, Villainbreaker and the other three blades pass through their body like they weren't there at all, causing no harm at all. On "average" bad beings, like common criminals (human and Neopian), it does the same thing, but it saps their strength until they can't move or collapse on the floor. Their strength then returns to them slowly, but almost always after they've been taken into custody.

Did that help clear some stuff up?

You could still use someone who is ambiguous in their alleigances. Truly good and truly evil personalities often make for one dimensional characters. Those in the gray area are the ones that are the most exciting.

Minor updates, mostly new versions of what Tiffany wears among humans (Neopets are, for some reason I'll work out, required to wear clothing while among mankind).

There's two forms for her: one where she exudes no Charm...

http://img203.imageshack.us/img203/1...fanycasual.png

And one where she admittedly looks quite sexy...when she DOES try to radiate her Charm (if this TOO racy, please PM me; it's not meant to look that way, just imply it).

http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/8...nyintimate.png

Using spoilers so I don't get flamed for having "slutty" stuff immediately visible, due to her Intimate form (her other form is called "Casual")

How did Tiffany go from having nothing in terms of breasts to having them in casual Tiffany, to having noticably larger ones in the sexy Tiffany?

No, it makes sense. Considering that the second one is scaled up from the first, and then the second also has bras that look like they're intended to lift up breasts, it makes some sense (though second Tiffany is rather more anorexic than the first).

@PikangX: I see that your love of boots has not diminished over time ._. Is there any reason for why the heads are bigger than Shoyrus' generally are? (I remember Kacheek and Aisha had huge heads but not Shoyru)

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Originally Posted by ImmunityBow

@PikangX: I see that your love of boots has not diminished over time ._. Is there any reason for why the heads are bigger than Shoyrus' generally are? (I remember Kacheek and Aisha had huge heads but not Shoyru)

I saw this version of her in a dream, so I figured I'd officialize it, boots or no boots. And I didn't really draw it, though my friend claimed that he's just used to drawing Shoyru like that (you know, with bigger heads?). He admitted that hers was quite a bit TOO big, but it's OK.

le Bump

I had a nice dream detailing what Vajra was like as a VERY young child, but that not what I need right now. Don't want to ruin things for certain people, so...spoilers, UP!

Vajra is intially abducted on Earth and brought to Neopia on his own...meaning Kiki, Lerioi, and Draco are left on Earth at first. I REALLY need help with making a reason as to why the other three characters cannot be brought all at once, and instead one-at-a-time. I had an idea for this, though...

*Vajra needs Item X to awaken the dormant power in his three friends.
*Item X is being guarded/is in the possession of a certain being (maybe some canon Neopets villian).
*To obtain Item X and awaken friend's power/open chamber that friend's Sacred Blade is being held, Vajra may or may not have to defeat guardian, but will have to obtain Item X for sure.
*If his friends were brought to Neopia without their powers, it would attract bad attention from the Sloth/Malestro.

So, yeah...need some help on that!